the the beauty and the ugly of my relationship

When breakups hurt it’s not the person’s physical body that we miss, it’s what they bring into our lives and the subconsciously perceived voids that are left when they leave. They are identifiable and treatable.

The key components of why breakups hurt

  1. The stories we tell us about ourselves.
  2. The one sided perspective we bring about the breakup.
  3. The unmet needs.
  4. Our golden shadow.

Trauma

It’s not the objective facts that determine if a situation is traumatic, it’s the subjective emotional experience. The way we perceive the trauma determines how we will move through it. We will use this pain as our leverage point to work through it.

Emotion

Emotion is perception based. When we want to control over our emotional state, and out reality filter, we need to bring these things up to the surface and work through them. We can’t change the underlying neutrality of any situation. We assign the negative and positive. We suffer through our selective perception so we can return to the neutrality.

How do we do this?

  1. What can we learn or take away from the relationship? What did Joseph teach me?
  • Equilibrium – emotional stability, how to be less stormy
  • pacing myself
  • being very pragmatic about my energy, what can I get done, what can’t I done, what really needs to get done vs dreams
  • face my fears
  • clean up after myself in the moment – be tidier
  • Taking care of my possessions. Treating them with respect. The actual physical up keep.
  • I need routine and consistency for stability and continued growth and progress. Life is easier with routine, health is easier to obtain, there is more focus.
  • Emotional regulation. I am so much better at regulating myself.
  • How to be in relationship. I’m not good at it, but this being my first go round, I was learning what I should have when teenager’s date, naturally leave their parent’s nest, move in with a partner. etc
  • congruity
  • recognizing the moment things are going off track for me, and then stopping
  • stopping to appreciate what I got done
  • backtracking to see how far I’ve come
  1. What were the patterns in the other person that didn’t work for me?
  • Push me away, retreat into his shell, then draw me back in. He loved me deeply until I did something that angered him, then he would shut me out for days – weeks until he was ready, then he would draw me close again. The push and pull was agonizing until I finally saw it as a time to show up for myself take a retreat in my own home.
  • The blame and shame, talking so much about taking responsibility and being congruent, but not taking responsibility for his words and actions.
  • Pushing me so hard toward my own health, but saying he was done with his own healing journey.
  • The explosive anger over every single minuscule thing.
  • Having so many conversations blow up because he couldn’t keep calm.
  • The lack of budgeting, keeping track of his finances.
  • Telling me the only reason the relationship didn’t work was on me.
  • Telling me we didn’t actually have a relationship at all, that I wasn’t a partner, that I wasn’t supportive.
  • Ghosting me when he was angry but getting angry at me if I didn’t instantly respond.
  • He didn’t practice what he taught
  • He didn’t see his own woundedness
  • Blaming me for everything
  • closed minded
  • him taking on the role of caretaker and then being resentful about it.
  • record keeping, bringing stuff up that he was upset about months later, or reciting my wrongs when he was angry
  • not letting me wear what made me feel good
  • not wanting me to see friends or family
  • not wanting me to use my own soap, shampoo etc
  • being anal about stupid shit like putting the dishsoap away, turning the timer off on the oven
  • making me wrong without any proof anytime he was angry
  • needing me around every waking minute and making me feel bad for needing “too much” me time
  • understanding one day and not the next – so, so confusing
  • throwing temper tantrums
  • saying he didn’t have anger problems
  • not apologizing for wrongdoings or talking about what had gone on
  1. What wasn’t working in myself in the relationships?
  • I am a doormat, very passive.
  • My wounded inner child consistently reacted in a very childlike manner.
  • My emotions would take control, inability to self-regulate.
  • My inability to communicate while in conflict. I would just leave.
  • My inexperience.
  • If he picked at the way I cleaned or did laundry or made the bed etc, I would just stop doing anything
  • intolerance for stress, for new experiences
  • being an empath with a very angry man
  • being highly sensitive to electricity, wifi, and who knows what else
  1. What patterns did I display?
  • I could not stand up for myself.
  • I could not communicate my needs and wants. As soon as he raised his voice, I would shut down.
  • I would try to mould myself into what he wanted (to a certain extent.)
  • I am very rigid in some areas, like using a particular dish soap, doing things a certain way.
  • Intense anxiety, being squirrelly.
  • I had meltdowns every time he sat on the couch and played video games and I had to clean the kitchen because I was the woman.
  • I have intense mood swings
  • Restlessness – not being to really enjoy being at his place, always wanting something different
  • apathy
  1. What good could come out of this?
  • I will come out stronger. More stable, more able to be self-sufficient.
  • I now have some life-experience that will make the next relationship much easier.
  • Much good will come out of this, I am better prepared for the rest of my life!
  1. How can I grow?
  2. What can I potentially learn for the future? Take away the lessons that we can. Pain points always show something about ourselves. We can transform it so we don’t need to go through the same thing in the future.
  • Communication is key.
  • It’s vital for both partner’s to express their wants and needs, to set boundaries, to face the shit instead of sweeping it under the rug.
  • I need a partner who is deeply invested in his own health.
  • I need a lot space and I need a partner who will give it to me without seeing it as me not loving or lack of support.
  • We need intention. Intentional communication, intentional intimacy, intentional constructive criticism
  • being a full time partner is not something I am able to do
  1. What was I forced to let go of that no longer serves me?
  • Living for myself. Seeing only myself.
  • Trying to control my immediate surroundings and day to day life by being very secluded.
  • Letting another person tell me what to do without resentment.
  1. What did I bring into the relationship that no longer serves me?
  2. Which areas are now freed up in my life that I can work on now?
    1. What am I being called to pushed toward?
  • Shifting my attachment style towards secure
  • Getting back into shamanic practices.
  • Doing some serious putting up of food.
  • Getting back into better physical shape.
  • Delving deeply into my spirituality.
  1. How is this potentially strengthening me?
    1. Trauma and pain are not easy, but they can help us grow
  2. How do I want to look back at this relationship, breakup, myself?
  • This relationship was a blessing, it pushed in ways that a lifetime never got through to me.
  • My heart has expanded even more to see other people’s stories, to have compassion for those who are stuck in patterns they cannot see. I will never be angry or bitter at Joseph. He did the best he could with his tools as did I.
  • I am a beautiful woman, very complicated, very difficult. My physical needs are such that they require a very specific type of partner and lifestyle.
  1. What qualities or traits do I think a person who gets through this in a healthy manner has?
    1. Traits in workbook
  • adaptable, determined, dignified, disciplined, easy-going, honest, kind, peaceful, perceptive, practical, steadfast, strong, willing,secure, responsible, gracious, genuine, gentle, compassionate, courageous
  1. What attachments am I breaking from others only to open in relation to myself?
  2. What can I take away, how can I grow in the 7 different areas of life, how can I show up?
  3. Where can I let go of things?
  • The need for reassurance
  • needing guarantees about the future, or worrying too much about the future and try to go with the flow
  1. How can I form a deeper connection with my higher being?
  • Sitting practice, visualizations, learning more about native American spirituality, shamanism, and Buddhism, being true to who i am
  1. How can I meet my own needs?
  2. What can I work on in terms of forgiveness?
  • I am not able to forgive him for giving me an ultimatum for doing something that affected my health or he would break up with me.
  • Not letting me wear skirts and jewellery that I had made and had become part of my identify.
  • He betrayed me as a woman when he physically harmed me because he could not take responsibility for his anger.
  • I feel humiliated now having to live back where I grew up. He threw me out like garbage.
  1. What would be the cost if the breakup didn’t happen? If life had gone on the same way without any change. For many years.
  2. What if I hadn’t learned all the things I did when in relationship?
  • I would still be very dysfunctional.
  • I would never have a chance at a life free of depression and anxiety.
  • I would never be able to be somewhat independent.
  • I wouldn’t be as stable or well rounded.

Day 13 – post break-up

July 19, 2022

It’s just after 5pm and I finally feel like my soul has settled down into some semblance of peace. I’ll take it!

I listen to dharma talks by Jack Cornfield and he was talking about writing for “God,” vs writing for others, vs writing for yourself. I’m not exactly sure what he means, but it’s captivated me and I’ve been thinking a bit about it.

My spirituality has become such an integral part of my life and I’m working at going even deeper. I think that is one area where I will be able to be consistent and have routine. I love ceremony and ritual. It calms and soothes me like nothing else. I love sitting and talking to “my council.” I love drumming. I love my singing bowls. lol. Lot’s of love, being grounded and healing intertwined with my spirituality.

I want to start teaching myself how to journey again. I had just started delving into it when I met Joseph.

I believe we are all divine beings. We are all sacred. Even the most evil walking among us. I can’t decide who is sacred and who isn’t, that would be playing God.

When Joseph was raging, his eyes turned black and I could almost see evil in them. When he was threatening violence, or calling me names the sacred felt tarnished. He often felt like I didn’t love or support him. He got cruel, he got mean, he got demeaning.

I believe relationships are sacred. As is sexual intimacy. But what happens when only one person believes in the sacred? In the mystery and magic? It was crushing, utterly soul crushing to have this man I saw as sacred call me a cunt, tell me I wasn’t his partner because we didn’t have a real relationship based on me not living up to filling his needs.

I want to be worshipped. I know that sounds blasphemous, and I’m not sure I will be able to explain myself. I want to be cherished and adored. I want to be protected, all the time, not just when I’m “being good.” I am a sacred woman. I have been through a hell of a lot in life. My path has been one of suffering. (Joseph was determined to get me to a place where the suffering didn’t rule my life anymore.)

The past few months as I got a bit more secure in communicating with Joseph, as I became more empowered, as I became stronger, I used the word trigger a lot. I have phone book full of triggers. Most of them well known and well worn. All sorted away by alphabet, by severity, by taste and colour….. It’s intense. I’m intense.

I was not using that as excuse for my behaviour, which frequently got out of control. I saw myself as a sacred being. Extremely damaged, flawed, but sincere and trying so hard. I wanted to be, needed to be treated with gentleness and compassion. To have him see through the behaviour, to be believed when I said I was deeply triggered. I needed him to see the wounded inner child coming to the surface to show how deeply disturbed she was. I needed him to take this beautiful little girl and show her she was safe. To help teach and heal her. To let her know she didn’t need to throw the tantrums, she could use her words. To show the 14 year old that she was safe, that she could run into his arms when having a panic attack, that comfort and safety was no further away then his arms.

But there was none of that. Joseph triggered me, and my response always set him off. I’ve done so much work on myself that I can get myself back quite quickly, but by that time the damage was already done, and Joseph was only interested in escalating the situation. He’d come after me to seek out conflict, I guess crazy in his own pain.

What really hurts about this breakup is how much we had each changed. My transformation was nothing short of remarkable. Joseph was starting to realize how his anger affected me, that his anger played a big role in our relationship and he wanted to try a different way. That was his birthday gift to me this past May. An acknowledgement of his anger and that he was going work at change. He was looking forward to living life for himself for the first time in his life. Something I taught him. To take care of himself, to do what he wanted to do, not just work only to give most of your money away. He was starting to have all sorts of breakthroughs and realizations.

I was looking forward to seeing what the move would do for us. To be on the same yard. For him to be retired and doing contract work. For us both to be less stressed For me to experience living with someone for the first time. For us to set up a home together. For us to really be together. I was very, very excited.

I knew it would never be easy, a free spirit Joseph is not. He is overbearing, controlling, and very demanding. He brought order, routine and consistency into my life and I brought the beauty of being a free spirit, of not caring what other’s thought of me or us, of laughing so loudly all the neighbour’s could hear me, of wildly dancing naked in the living room, of wanting to try this and that just see what would happen. He toned down my chaos into something more manageable, and I brought some life and color into his life.

I soothed his aching body like no one had before because I’m a healer. He just thought I gave really good massages. I don’t think so. I have crap wrists, and know nothing of massaging. I infused everything I touched with love.

That is how I showed my love, through my touch. The harder I dug, the more he laughed in pain, the more he felt loved. Strange. But the anger always took over and he couldn’t remember the good times we had and could only focus on the fact that I wasn’t June Cleaver.

I wish nothing but peace and healing for Joseph. He is very powerful man. If he could heal, he has the capacity to touch people’s lives in a very profound way. He was on the precipice, going around and proudly telling people that I was changing his belief structure. The one he had believed in for 61 years. I wonder how badly this breakup will set him back. Will he attempt to exorcise from his being everything he associates with me?

The weather finally broke and it’s a cool calm evening. I’m going to bed feeling good, optimistic. I’m feeling like I will be able to sleep.

How To Heal From A Breakup – Changing Your Stories

Purpose: In the chart below, reference the stories you told about yourself, and others in this situation. For a list of Negative Core Beliefs, refer to the Additional Materials and Resources at the back of your workbook.

Identifying & Neutralizing Internal and External Painful Perceptions Chart

  1. SELF INTERPRETATION (meaning you gave to yourself) (Ex: I am weak, I am trapped, I am not good enough, I am alone etc.)

Interpretation – I am humiliated and feel shamed.

Opposite – I can hold my head up high knowing that I did my best with the tools and life experience I had available to me.

Supporting Proof – The neighbour’s welcomed me with open arms. They don’t pity me or look down on me or think it’s my fault in any way.


Interpretation – If I go back to him again I am a weak person.

Opposite – If I go back, it will be well thought out, not an in the moment decision. I am wise, I am capable of thinking this through.

Supporting Proof – I have gone back numerous times and have kept on growing, healing and getting stronger.


Interpretation – I don’t want love, I just want a safe place to live.

Opposite – I do want love, and I want that love to include a safe place to call home.

Supporting Proof I am a very loving, caring, maternal woman.


Interpretation – I can’t go through the process of letting someone else into my life, I’m too different, have to many big needs, have to much trauma for a functional relationship.

Opposite – I have some unique needs, and some trauma that needs to be healed. But who doesn’t? I am working through them and becoming a more integrated woman.

Supporting Proof – Look at how different I am today than I was 2 years ago when i first met Brad. Our relationship was going so much better.


Interpretation – I don’t have the time to wait for someone else to come along with the world being so precarious.

Opposite – I am being taken care of physically, and that is what matters at this point.

My higher self knows the plan, I need to keep myself open to the opportunities and the messages that come into my life.

Supporting Proof – I have a roof over my head and I never go hungry. Yes, I want, desire and need so much more for a fulfilling life, but I need to take the time to heal.

I moved to Thelma to meet Joseph. I took the opportunities to get myself there, I listened to the messages.


Interpretation – I need to go back to Joseph because I can’t make it alone and poor.

Opposite – I want to go back to Joseph because we have much unfinished business. We are both in the process of remarkable shifts in our lives and it’s painful to give it up over a moment of intense anger and stress.

Supporting Proof – He’s been telling people how being with me has caused him to take a long hard look at his belief structures and he’s changing them. Going through the painful process of letting go what isn’t working, at looking at new ways of being.


Interpretation – I will never again have an opportunity to live in the forest. I will be trapped here in the south.

Opposite – I am not a predictor of the future. I have no idea what the future holds. I know that my higher self and the universe wants me to have a beautiful life. I will have faith it will come to be.

Supporting proof – I got myself out of Shittown and into Thelma. Nobody thought I would ever do that including myself. I got a partner, and again nobody thought I would actually get myself to a point where I would be able to manage that. Every step I take is closer to living a life that works for me.

2. INTERPRETATION OF OTHER PERSON/PEOPLE INVOLVED (Ex: She betrayed me, they judged me etc.)

Interpretation – I’m better off without Joseph because he will never change or change too slowly. Opposite – I might be better off without Joseph because we are so wildly different in ways that are not supportive. Supporting Proof – He needs me around 24/4, I need days of alone time.


Interpretation – I’m better off without Joseph because he will never change or change too slowly.

Opposite – I might be better off without Joseph because we are so wildly different in ways that are not supportive.

Supporting Proof – He needs me around 24/4, I need days of alone time.


Interpretation – He’s never going to change, his neural pathways are set in the trauma.

Opposite – He has changed so, so much! Because he is older it might be taking more time, and might be more difficult, but it is happening.

Supporting Proof – Instead of being a quack for how I ate, he came on board and went Keto hardcore. And he told everyone about it.


Interpretation – He’s no good for me. He harmed me so much.

Opposite – He was the teacher that I was waiting for and longed to sit and learn from. I just wasn’t expecting the lessons to be so brutal, or the teacher so harsh.

Supporting Proof – I am way more functional in all areas of life. I have more emotional regulation. I am more balanced, stable and secure. I have very happy days. Eventually, I was able to take the harm he caused and move it out of my body quite rapidly. I started working at healing his trauma with my gentle ways.


Integration: Practice taking control of understanding what our individual selected perception is. If we can bring these things to the surface, we can change what’s not working in there and experience relief as a result.

How to heal from a breakup -Integration Process to Transform Breakup Wounds

Exercise 2: Integration Process to Transform Breakup Wounds

Purpose: To stop only ‘seeing the negatives’ and creating our own suffering subconsciously as a result.

Discovery:

1. Change the Story of the Breakup Itself:

List the overall positives of the relationship ending. Our mind has latched onto the negatives, but to neutralize the situations, you have to step out of your perception and find the positives. (Ex. How did you grow, how do you connect more to others now, how did you connect to yourself, what did you learn, what did you let go of/hang on to, who entered your life/who did you get closer to, how did your character strengthen etc.) Also look in the 7 areas of life – Spiritual, Mental/Emotional, Career, Financial, Physical, Social and Family

  • I can be myself
  • I can wear my long flowy colorful skirts
  • I can go to bed and wake up without shame and guilt
  • There could be WAY less anxiety, angst, frustration, anger, hopelessness
  • I can garden the way I want
  • I won’t feel controlled
  • I can sleep with the boys.
  • I can spend lots of time with the boys.
  • I can have as much me time as I need.
  • The constant pressure to be who I am not will cease.
  • I won’t always wonder what I am doing wrong.
  • I won’t always feel like I’m not doing enough.
  • I won’t always be waiting for the shoe to drop.
  • It’s giving me time to do a deep dive and work shifting my attachment style more towards secure.
  • It’s motivating me to face my fears so I can become even stronger for what is coming my way.
  • It’s helping me let go of expectations, of the worry of the future and focus on the here and now.
  • It’s forcing me into further growth, especially boundary setting
  • 7 Areas Of Life
    • Spiritual – I can pursue shamanic practices, have a sitting practice, get back into a yoga practice
    • Mental/Emotional – I can work at becoming secure
    • Financial – I might be able to save up a bit. I won’t feel so out of control with my money
    • Physical – I will get myself into better shape
    • Social – I will be able to see/talk to friends and family whenever I desire
  • I’ve been working on this list for over a week now, and it’s opened up my eyes to a few things. Nothing shocking, but it’s nice to be very aware of them because it narrows down the focus of what I need to work on.
    • The emotional turbulence is still there, but different. I’m still angsty, and now very panicky as being single is setting it.
    • I never feel like I am truly ok or can be myself unless I’m alone. And I mean completely alone for hours at a time. I don’t feel relaxed at all when Annette or Champagne are home.
    • I find life uncomfortable in general, in most areas.
    • I don’t feel like I can do enough. (That’s part of my childhood programming.)
  • I do expect that I will be able to shift some of these when I start working on my attachment style.

2. What would the cost be if the relationship hadn’t ended but it continued on the way it was?

  • Why is it that I can’t think of anything? The costs were astronomical in some ways, but the benefits were also so beneficial. Living this week with Annette and Champagne has reduced this list because there are costs no matter where I am, or who I will be with. I wondered for many years if i would be able to be in relationship. The answer kind of is no, but I also cannot be single. Both don’t work.
  • Because we had moved so far away from friends and family and had not lived together before, things were going to be different. Some problems we had would have dissipated, and others would have come up.

Day 10 – post break up

Today was awful. I woke up 1/2 hour after I went to bed, woke up from a deep sleep, thinking I had been sleeping for hours already, feeling almost suicidal. Just the darkest of dark. That’s kind of how the night went and how I woke up.

Annette and I went to my place in Thelma for the first time since I’ve been back. It’s almost all packed up. Just a few more odds n’ ends to go and that life is done. I cried on the way there, but did some EFT (tapping) and felt sad but not as wildly emotional.

I had arranged to have tea with our neighbour’s. Joseph and I spent time with them in their outdoor room talking, sharing stories and laughs. I often went there on my own while Joseph was at work. We both aren’t social people, and the Castle’s were the only people we hung out with.

When Joseph asked me out he had already gotten to know them. Sharon took me aside and in all seriousness told me, “Joseph is like my nephew, if you hurt him….” I was taken aback and a bit intimidated. Little were we to know how badly Joseph would hurt me over the two years we lived next to them.

Tea was difficult. I miss them. Sitting there alone without Joseph. Driving past his place. Seeing the change’s the new owner has already made. Cutting down a really tall stump that Roy and Gertrude raised their family in last spring. I often stopped and looked at that stump as I walked past it. It had character. It had strength.

Going into my place I felt mostly detached. The last while there was so stressful, and now life is in shambles. It didn’t feel like my home. It didn’t feel like much.

Annette is a hoarder and her life is always a bit out of control. She takes to much on and doesn’t sit and think through what she can realistically get done. She also doesn’t want to let anything go. So many areas of her life only get done half assed. I”ve been working really hard at changing these areas in my life, so we had conflict when she wanted to load up the vehicle’s to the brim just because we could. It pushed me over the edge and I broke and cried in misery.

Two things that bothered me about going back to my place was that Joseph had slept in my bed the first time he came back to bring the truck and trailer back. We never slept there together. He did not spend much time at my place. He liked to sit in the rocking chair in front of the fire. I would sit on my stump and we would enjoy the warmth and peace of my place. He had moved the rocking chair to in front of the patio doors. It made me so so sad for some reason. I sat in that chair and cried.

Champagne said I needed to bring my truck back with me. I didn’t want to. I’m not planning on driving it, I need to sell it because I can’t afford the gas much less any repair. It’s a HUGE trigger. Hephzibah wants to sleep in it or go for a run. Ever since Joseph stopped commuting to work, and then moved to working 3 days a week, we had done a lot more driving. He would often suggest that we take the boys for a run, or just go for a drive. I can’t stand to look at the truck now.

On the way back, we stopped in at the forest to check up on the wild blueberries. It was a bit early, but will be a nice crop it’s looking like. Even though the bugs were frightful, it was peaceful, and I didn’t want to leave.

By the time we got back, my emotional being was out of control. I had wandered way off course. I swore at the nightmare puppy when he jumped up on me. I needed to be alone. Not be on someone’s yard where I can see them and hear them.

I told Annette, I needed a snack and then had to go nap. I rested for a bit and then went through Cassie picking out the dehydrated strawberries. We had supper together, then I excused myself again. When I get this way, I can’t be around people. I can’t tolerate it. The pressure builds up in me so badly. I need a release valve to be ok. I went back to the garden shed and sobbed. I lay in bed most of the evening.

I’m in a panic. I’ve lost the faith and trust that I am where I need to be, going through what I need to be going through. I really need to get that back.

I usually drive with the radio on. The only time I listen to the radio. Music station commercials irk me so much that I usually turn on the talk radio stations which have news every 1/2 hour. As if anyone needs to hear the same shit 24 times in a 12 hour period. Honest to god, what is wrong with that scenario? I haven’t listened to the news since Joseph and I moved. He is a bit of news junky. He needs to keep his finger on the pulse of what is going on. He thought I needed to as well, and I was never able to explain it to him in a way that he understood, that everyone has different needs, and there are some of us who just are not able to tolerate the news. It distresses me badly and over the past 2 years, caused a lot of panic.

So I heard one cycle of the news, and a bit of the radio program. It was enough to send me into a total tailspin. It’s nothing new. The shit has hit the fan and we are in trouble. That is something that Joseph and I agreed on. We both agreed it was better to get through this together than try and go it alone. We agreed that it would be safer up north, it offered more security. Less people, more bush. Away from the cities. Away from where a bomb would hit if it were to hit.

Now I’m alone and just so fucked. I am so panicked. Me being me, I don’t see this working out here. I really don’t do people well. I didn’t do Joseph well. I need to be alone. I need my space. My own space. My own garden. My own forest to wander in. Joseph was willing to give me that to an extent up north.

I could go back to my place in Thema. There hasn’t been interest in it yet. But there’s no water, no cell service, I won’t have a vehicle. I live below the poverty line, I’m not well physically. Alone I do well emotionally. But I feel like I am dependent on other’s for survival. If something big were to go down, Thelma is on the escape route from the city. It will not be safe. If war breaks out, I don’t want to be living in a little town on my own.

Some of my family think I am so out to lunch, but we are way to close and getting closer to things careening out of control. I’m scared. Very, very scared. I need to be up north with Joseph. If nothing else just as yard mates. That thought has often crossed my mind this winter. What if we could move together, not as a couple, but more like roommates? Would that work?

When we talked about it not working out after we had moved, he said a couple of times that the yard was big enough that we could make it work. I took him at his word. That is WHY I moved. Because he said we would make it work somehow. But he went back on his work because he was angry and hurt so stressed out. And because he’s the man, he’s the one with the money, I got totally screwed over. Just so screwed. Shit, I need to stop this train of thought. It’s just making this worse.

Letting Go and the Ancestors Protection

It’s Friday morning. The first morning where I have woken up feeling somewhat like myself. My sleep was decent. I woke up a little later than my “life is going ok” time, but much earlier than when life is off the rails.

My brain work this morning felt like it was effective. I’ve been going through the motions for over a week now. I haven’t really done a letting go of Joseph yet, so I did that this morning. I decided to let go/walk away from a few things. That just means that I am better able to live in the present. It’s something Joseph and I worked on this winter. On letting things go and walking away. At first I couldn’t do it for the life of me. Everything just kept hanging on. Eventually, I was able to visualize going out onto the river where I walked with the boys a lot and setting down what I didn’t want to carry anymore and walking away. At the time it was fear, anxiety, and depression.

Today I let go of Wanful, The North, Thelma, Joseph, fear, anxiety, depression, and anger. Quite the load to dump. When I had set them down and tried walking away, something clung onto me. Not surprising. This used to panic me, especially when it was a person who was holding tightly onto me, because I didn’t know how to extricate myself. I have since figured it out and with a bit of work, I am able to either cut the cords that bind us, or get the person to let go of me.

This morning it was Joseph hanging on to me. It’s an uneasy feeling having someone attached to your being. I don’t think there is anyway to explain it to someone who doesn’t know what the fuck I’m talking about. Spirits, people, things, emotions etc can attach themselves to our energetic beings. My energy therapist used to get rid of a huge amount of unwanted beings. My Witchy Sister used to get rid of all sorts of things as well and taught me how to better clear myself. Eventually I came up with my own process.

I went through my list today, and when I tried setting Joseph down, he kept clinging to me. It was like being caught in slime. There was a mucous like substance that connected us. Sticky. I approached him to talk and he got rageful, and without thinking I put up a shield around myself for protection. Not something I usually do. Then I put a bell jar around him, another tool I have tried using but it’s never worked really well. It’s supposed to contain whatever you are dealing with and reflect their own actions/words back to themselves. It worked today. He raged within the confine of the bell jar and I stood on the outside.

I talked to him for quite a while. Telling him he was loved. Telling him he was supported and protected. I told him I needed to set him down so I could be more present with my day. That I would be back to give more love and healing. I told him that he needed to show up for himself because his Little Joseph (inner child), his grandchildren and his children need him. I sat with him sending him love, light and healing. I surrounded him with foxes and sparrows for protection and solace. I asked the ancestors to surround him. He is Metis, and I feel like the Native American ancestors are so powerful.

Oh man, the most profound thing happened. I specifically asked the ancestors to protect him. The name Joe came to mind and a really big Native American man in traditional dress came up. I’ve had a few interactions with a really large Native American man in traditional dress with an exquisite headdress over this last winter. We never exchanged words, or touch. He’s more of the strong silent type. Standing watch over. He would stand outside Joseph’s kitchen window while I washed dishes talking to the ancestors. Washing dishes was often triggering for me, so I did a lot of asking for help during that time.

Anyways, Joe is Joseph’s father!! The father who violently beat on his little boy until he himself was beat so badly that he left when Joseph was 5. Emotion is welling up in me. How amazing is that? There really are no words.

(Joe, I am so, so grateful for you showing up for your son today in a display of love, and protection. I am overwhelmed with what you are doing for Joseph and I. I am so grateful that you have been able to heal in the afterlife and are now able to help us with our healing. We desperately need your wisdom. Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you.)

Joseph calmed down and I was able to set him down and walk away. Setting all those things down and walking away made me feel so much lighter. They will not be forgotten, That’s not the purpose of doing this. I really, really want to get myself back up north, but I can’ focus on that right now. I need to put that in the trust department for now. The present is for healing, getting physically stronger and putting up food for the winter.

So speaking of putting up food, I better get on with my day. I will do a few minutes of meditating, a bit of yoga, then it’s off to my strawberries!

I’m starting off my day feeling blessed and grounded.

Day 8 – post breakup

Feeling raw. Just saw Dad for the first time since he picked me partway back to the south when Joseph kicked me out. Feeling triggered. Feeling exhausted. Feeling sad. So, so sad. How does a 2 year relationship just end in 5 minutes? No warning. No talking about it. No discussion about logistics. It was spontaneous. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to go. Even after all the shit that went down leading up to those 5 moments. Fuck him and his fricken trauma. Not really, but holy shit man, you need to face your demons. They have controlled your entire life. Isn’t it time you change? How many times didn’t I hear that?

I had a solid day. I do best when I am alone. Champagne came home at 6pm, and Annette is still gone. I find the pressure of being around people very intense. It exhausts me. There is shame and guilt tied in with it as well. I can’t be who I really am. Which is a really laid back, low energy woman. My soul can rest when I’m alone. I can putter away at my own pace. I can do things my own way in my own space.

I turned on the music and hulled strawberries. I had hoped to get a lot more done than I did, but it’s all good. It’s ok if some strawberries make it onto the compost heap.

My intention is to make it back up north some day. I will never feel settled here. I never have, for as long as I have been alive. I think I belong up there. So we will see what shakes loose. Gotta keep working on myself hardcore. Get myself prepared for the next chapter.

I lay down after Dad left to sit with my pain. I turned on a song that I have often used in the past to work through an energetic block. I often have visualizations while listening to this song. Today I started off dancing. Long and flowing. Very graceful movements, with a long piece of fabric. A shaman stood still with a staff and even though I saw nothing else, I knew he was giving someone the last rites. Or the shamanic version of it. I tried to stand still in respect, but I needed to keep dancing. So I did. Feeling sad. Then this person was revived and had a second chance at life. We were linked together somehow. Not a stranger. I couldn’t tell if it was Joseph or not.

What is he doing? Is he working on our place? Is he cleaning up the yard? How does he feel seeing my empty camper there every day? Does he miss the boys? Is he sitting on the couch in the dark, or is he relieved this nightmare is finally over? Is all he thinking about how he failed me? (His words, not mine.) Does he miss me? Does it matter? Does any of it really matter? Holy shit, that just turned dark.

I miss you Joseph.

It’s been a week

It’s been 2 weeks since my partner and I made the 8 hour journey up north to our new home, and 1 week since he kicked me out and I had to come back south and stay with family.

This is his journey. There are many things I am learning and taking away from this experience, but he is so blocked right now. His trauma has taken over and is ruling his life. He is hard and mean and hurting so badly.

What would it take for him to open up his heart? What would it take for him to take an honest evaluation of himself and where he’s at in life?

I was brought into his life to bring up what has not been healed yet. It became to much and now I am in the mess I am in. It’s not a mess, it’s messy, it’s uncomfortable, it’s heartbreaking, it’s many things. But it’s also necessary.

On the dharma talk I listened to this morning, Jack Cornfield said that Karma can change as quickly as the flick of a horses tail. And isn’t that the truth? I love that. I can sink into that. I don’t have much but the great unknown and the mystery of life to hold onto right now. I could be in the greatest space, exactly where my soul needs to be by the fall. Nobody knows. And If I’m not, I will continue to wait as graciously as I can.

I have a lot of work to do before I am solid with what is happening. I am so, so sad. I am so, so weary. Not sleeping well. My eating has completely changed because I’m eating a lot with my Aunt and Uncle. My Uncle LOVES to cook and is a great cook, but I am eating a lot of what I wouldn’t normally put into my body. And he is already working really hard at keeping it simple and putting thought into what I want to eat. But when I’m gluten free, white sugar free, don’t eat much natural sugars, am just starting to eat meat, don’t want anything processed, no grains of any sort, it gets complicated. So for now, I’m trying to enjoy the fabulous food he is preparing will get back to a very, very simple diet again in the future.

This is humbling, the situation I am in now. I try to keep the deep, intense anxiety at bay. I try to not to panic. I go in and out of mindfulness, veering crazily on this journey of mine. I’m ok and then I’m not. I feel my spirit animals preparing me for something beautiful and I feel peace. Then I get a text and I clench up in anguish again. I keep it together until I fall apart and sob in my garden shed.

I miss Joseph. The memories are starting to pervade my consciousness. But the memories of him slamming the door harder than he ever has and rushing after me as I tried to escape him also are in my memories. The way he grabbed the back of my jacket with both hands and jerked me around to scream in my face….. I don’t remember how he looked, but I can envision it. His anger made him larger than life. It pushed me out of any building that we were in. His forcefulness made him very powerful. His eyes became almost evil. Totally out of control. Such contrast to when he was very content. I have never seen a person’s eyes change like that.

I feel very sad for him. For anyone who deals with such rage roiling around in them. I was very angry the first evening I arrived at Annette’s. I sat at her kitchen table and called Joseph a “fucking piece of shit,” over and over and over. I was so angry. I was talking about revenge and vengeance. By the next morning, that had all blown over. But I was left with a very basic understanding/knowing of what it feels like to be in a rage. I really can’t fathom how Joseph goes through life with such anger. No wonder his body aches. No wonder he has no friends. It’s not possible to have a long term functional relationship with a partner with that level of anger. It’s not possible to love yourself. There is very little peace.

I did bring him peace like no one ever had. I did spur healing and change. But he was starting to get to the core of the wounds. Of having to face himself in the mirror. And I guess it was just too painful, and a lot easier to blame me for every failing he could think of. And when he was angry, he had no recollection of the good I brought. The peace, the harmony, the love, the sincerity. He just remembered the conflict, the butting of heads, me running, all of my pain, dysfunction and trauma.

I don’t think he has ever had a deep emotional connection with a woman. But I’m not sure because I’m so new at this. He told me a couple of months ago that every relationship he’s had was based on sex. Sex for us didn’t work. Or very rarely worked, and that left him very frustrated on many levels. I needed a deep emotional connection to be intimate. For myself, I think establishing an emotional connection before a sexual connection is healthy. That is what I wanted and needed.

Yesterday was a shit show. We got up at 6am to pick strawberries. I decided to get 8 pails. Annette decided I needed 13. I was exhausted to begin with. I still have many pails to get to today, and I’m still exhausted and need to self-care. I am so peopled out. I am doing way to much. I’m wondering if I can make this work, living on their yard. I don’t think I have much of a choice. This is part of my learning how to make and keep boundaries. I loathe this lesson. I understand how necessary it is. I was trying to establish boundaries with Joseph and I was getting somewhere, but I HATE the whole process. It’s uncomfortable and painful. Sigh.

Both Joseph and Annette are gone for a good part of the day, so I have been enjoying the peace. I do need to get to the strawberries sometime soon though.

Day 5 – post breakup

I slept a lot better last night, but I was up at 5am. So I did a couple of hours of work on the breakup course and then slept for a few more hours. While doing my brainwork (working on my neural pathways) I got the visualization that that I am being prepared for something beautiful. My council (spirit animals, angels and ancestors) were gathered around me, tending to me. Making me beautiful, dressing me in exquisite clothes. Getting me ready.

When I got up, I was calm enough I guess. I did my morning routine of tidying up. I sat for a bit in sadness. Then Annette came to say good morning. I’m finding I just want to be alone. As soon as I have human contact or someone texts me, things come crashing in on me.

My Witchy Sister texted me today asking how I was being. It sent me into a tail spin. I realized I am obsessing about doing this in a healthy manner. I tend to get that way. Health is something I am addicted to. And since I’m not a particularly healthy woman, my obsession becomes hardcore.

I found myself in a raw state all day. I just could not deal with the nightmare puppy today, I lashed out at him a few times. When I get that way, I know I need to sleep, so I had a nap. My patience returned, but I still oozed hurt and pain.

I tidied up in Champagne’s woodshed. Made a bit more a dent. He was working all day today, so I got some hours of alone time. As soon as he got home, he called out to me and wanted to make supper for us. I’m grateful, but just wish to have entire days to myself. I don’t want to see people every day. It’s no different with a partner. I can’t handle seeing anyone every single day. It’s exhausting. It’s disruptive. It’s not particularly functional, but it’s the way I am.

Annette starts her 6 day stretch of being off tomorrow. I’m not sure how that will be.

I am tired. I am weary. I just want to be alone so I can sit and be. I’m discontent, I’m sad, I’m mourning, I’m homesick. I will be ok again, but it will take some time. Until then, I need to be gentle with myself.

Another day is done and I’m tired and I am weary.

I’ve been thinking about all that Joseph taught me. About who I was when we first met. About how much I changed. About how much he changed. I get angry that he wasn’t able to control himself and fucked up so badly this week. I need to face what happened and I’m not looking forward to bringing up the memories. He betrayed me so badly, as a woman, as a lover, as a partner, as a fellow human being. He betrayed himself and his family line.

Might I never forget how much I am loved, that I am love, and that I am very loving. My light is not out, it’s just dimmed a bit. There is always so much hope, and so much to be grateful for. It speaks to how much I have changed that I am able to see the hope amidst the darkness and be grateful when life is beyond rough.

How to heal from a breakup and transform grief – attachment styles and no contact

How different attachment styles respond differently to breakups

Anxious Preoccupied and Secure Attachment

  • they start to process feelings immediately. They make the space, they talk about it, they process.
  • Secure attachment move through the breakup in a healthy manner.
  • Anxious preoccupied have to deal with their abandonment issues, and their residual unresolved pain at the same time making their pain a lot worse. This is a good time to work on what comes up so you don’t keep going through the same cycle
  • They feel everything for 2 weeks. It’s excruciating.
  • By the 3rd week they start turning a corner, by the 4th week they are well on their way to healing.
  • Anxious Preoccupied might try to immediately rebound because they want long term relationships and don’t want to be alone, but they are usually not successful. Around the 3 month mark, a rebound can be successful.
  • Anxious Avoidant tend to repeat their patterns. They need to learn to self-soothe.

Fearful Avoidant

  • They don’t feel a lot for up to 3 weeks. They are in repression and suppression.
  • Get into self-destructive patterns/tendencies. Distraction, rebound.
  • They can’t repress any longer by the 4 week mark.

Dismissive Avoidant

  • repress for the longest.
  • They start to feel between 4-6 weeks. Some don’t let themselves feel for 3-6 months.
  • They can rebound really quickly as an avoidant strategy.

No Contact Rule

You don’t call, reach out, text, email, don’t respond back to their messages for 30 days. No talking to their friends or family.

Purpose: to magnify the doubt or remorse stage everyone goes through after a break up. To create space for you to heal and reflect. If the person wants to get back together, you use this time to come up with a strategy. Create boundaries.

Anxious preoccupied

  • they feel the no contact right away.

Fearful Avoidant

  • won’t be affected for the first 3-4 weeks, depending on how they respond to the breakup and when they allow themselves to deal with their feelings.

Dismissive Avoidant

  • no contact won’t bother them for the first 6 weeks up to 3 months.

4 main stages of going through no contact

Anxious Preoccupied and Secure Attachment – timeline – all happens within a week

  1. feel a lot of pain,
  2. they start to wonder and have curiosity about their partner
  3. they feel the rejection of no contact
  4. they miss the person

Fearful Avoidant and Dismissive Avoidant – timeline – within 6 weeks – 3 months

  1. they repress and avoid
  2. they start to wonder how the other person is doing, curious, how is the other person feeling, a bit of longing
  3. if there is still no contact they experience a form of rejection
  4. remorse, self-doubt, missing the person. Did I do the right thing? Maybe we can make it work.

Notes:

I find their attachment style quiz confusing and therefore, I don’t know how accurate it is. However, whenever I do it, I always am a fairly even mix of anxious avoidant, fearful avoidant, and dismissive avoidant, and secure attachment is always the lowest. I find this disheartening because it just makes me seem like a bonafide crazy woman sometimes. It’s a lot to puzzle through because in different situations I react very differently. It does seem that I am exhibiting anxious preoccupied style in the breakup. But of course I question myself because I’m anxious. Jeeze!

I wouldn’t say that I’m in a lot of pain. The pain I felt while packing up to leave was beyond and intense. And then it all crashed back when I arrived at my aunt’s place. Every morning I feel intense pain, but it eases by lunch time. I really don’t think I am repressing or suppressing my emotions. I have resolved to do this in a healthy manner and over the years I have been working at sitting with my pain. Letting it flow through my body. I don’t always let it, I am human after all. And my precious four-legged boy Hephzibah sometimes prevents me from doing the work in the moment because he gets frantic when I display anger, frustration or am sobbing. He definitely has anxious preoccupied doggy style attachment.

I can so relate to feeling everything right away. I can’t imagine people not feeling much for weeks on end, but that makes sense for Joseph. He sits on his couch with the curtains drawn for days to weeks until he seemingly snaps out of it and then he pursues me again.

I think I used to be far more anxious preoccupied than I am currently. I used to feel nothing but pain for months. Even years. Now I know enough about releasing emotions energetically that I can get them moving quite easily and without a huge output of physical energy. I don’t need to go to therapy, I don’t need to exercise vigorously. I don’t need to beat something or scream to release. I can sit and tap on my meridian points and the intense emotions dissipates. I have been doing cortices quite a bit this week. It’s another form of tapping I suppose. I love to drum, but it’s not practical with the heat and humidity because I have to warm it up to tighten up the skin. I also shake. Anyone who is dealing with trauma really should look into these modalities. They truly have saved my life and have actually given me a chance at a life.

I’ve never done the no contact for 30 days. The day he threw me out, I deleted him from my phone and blocked his number because I knew that I would want to text him and most likely would. I also knew that not hearing from him would just kill me. I’ve never done that before and even though it hurts like hell, there is a peace that has come from it. I don’t have to wonder when he will reach out. I can’t reach out. It’s the way it needs to be. I did have to contact him for a business matter the day after and went through my Dad and that was painful enough.

A course on How to Heal From a Breakup and Transform Grief

From the Personal School Of Development